We Were Four

It was December and a dear friend was visiting when we first suspected it. A few weeks more and we thought maybe we were wrong, but decided to test, just in case. It was positive. We were pregnant again! I am not sure which was greatest, the shock, the excitement, or the fear that soon followed. We were four. Ready or not. 

The months past. I was so sick and juggling a baby and my husband was on nights. There was hardly time or energy to wash the dishes, much less write my jumbled thoughts. Days turned to weeks turned to months and then it happened. The unexpected. The dreaded. My water broke, we lost our baby at just four and a half months gestation. 

It has been hard. Giving up a dream and losing a son. Yes, it was a little boy. We would have had two boys, just about now. The first few weeks were the hardest, but God has been gracious. My mom was able to come and stay with me during recovery and that allowed me time to think and pray and to process. 

This summer has not been at all what I thought it would be, but it has been good. I have been busy many weeks, but inside I have tried to remain as quiet as I can and just focus on treasuring each moment with my son and my husband. I do not want to live in fear, but I do want to live fully with all thankfulness. The truth is, we are not promised tomorrow. We only have right here and right now. God has been stretching me. Challenging me to grasp the fact that worrying about the future is futile, and that I can trust Him fully to do what is best. My grasp on this truth is feeble at best, but that feebleness drives me more and more often to my knees in prayer to the Maker of all. For without Him I am and can do nothing. 

Today I can rejoice because I can hold fast to my Savior. He is indeed the anchor to my soul, sure and steadfast (Hebrews 6:19). Life this side of marriage has been sweeter then I ever thought it could be, but also harder than I envisioned. Yet through each unexpected event, each moment of sorrow, God has remained steadfast. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I do know who holds tomorrow. So, here is to new adventures and new posts (I hope!). The journey continues. 

 

We Are Three

A crisp breeze tumbles leaves of golden yellow from trees across the street, brilliant blue peeps through gray-white clouds that nearly overcast the sky, and the sun is racing towards the western horizon even though it is still the middle of the afternoon. Fall is definitely here. I shake my head. I can hardly believe the summer I was sure would never come has flashed by so quickly. The anticipation I felt as I awaited the arrival of our baby has quickly passed into slightly less restful nights, and days filled with changing diapers, wiping slobber, and kissing soft baby cheeks. Am I as happy as I thought I would be? Yes, and even much more so than I ever imagined. Our little "Jay" has filled our lives with such rich joy, and yet in the midst of this joy that often feels to big to contain, there has been the unexpected. Unexpected faith challenges. Unexpected growing pains. Unexpected joy. 

We read about, decided on, and prepared for a home birth diligently. We prayed and the Lord provided an excellent midwife. We bought our supplies and waited somewhat impatiently for the arrival of our little one. The day dawned with the gushing of waters and consistent contractions. The midwife arrived and it did not look like we would have long to wait. And then complications arose. Nothing the midwife could not handle, it was just take more time. Time passed, things moved forward, and then again complications arose. The midwife decided that we had a unique challenge on our hands that was not going to be solved so easily. My body was failing to do its job properly and no amount of knowledge could fix it. Off the the hospital we went for the unexpected. A c-section. 

We had not planned for this. In fact we had barely considered that the possibility that needing one would arise. I was healthy, young, and we had been diligent in our preparations...at least most of the time...yet here we were facing surgery. In that moment my mind spun. Were we sure this was necessary? Yes. I looked deep into my midwife's eyes, and then my husband's. My body was tired, but my mind was still sharp. I saw that no one wanted this for me, but that there were no other good options. "God, I don't know why we are here, but I know that You are still in control, " my heart whispered. I agreed by signing release papers and was rolled away by people I did not know into a room just as strange for a procedure that I did not really fully understand. I listened to the nurses and doctor. I did what was asked. It all happened so fast that I did not have much time to think, but I do remember asking God to protect my baby.

Then he was here! A little bundle of soft, sweet, baby-ness. I only got to hold him a brief minute on my chest before they had to whisk him away. They had struggled a few extra seconds getting him out, he was cold.I was left alone, as my husband went with the baby. I was glad he was with our little one, but never did moments pass so slowly as those where I lay shaking uncontrollably as they put me back together. Never did I feel so helpless. Yet, at the same time, never was I so thankful. Thankful that my labor was done. Thankful that my baby was safe. Thankful that I was going to be fine.

A surprise C-section could have been really hard to swallow, but all along the way the Lord was gracious. He surrounded me with caring nurses and doctors. My husband stayed with me nearly every minute until I was discharged from the hospital a couple of days later, and my mom was with us most of the time as well. I healed quickly. Soon we were home, where my husband and mom cared for me for the next several weeks. That time of healing was a growing time, a stretching time, a bonding time. Even though things did not happen as planned, God still used it for good. And all I can say is, "Thank You, Father!"

I Still Eat Alone

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19).

"All your need."

How often have you named something a "need" that in reality was merely a want? I clearly remember many times as single young woman looking ahead to one day marrying and dreaming of the day when I would no longer do certain things alone. I would have said that I "needed" a husband to share life with. I would have expressed my loneliness and my desire to support and encourage a husband. I would have drawn a picture of what I thought I needed and it would have included sharing even the most mundane tasks of life with the man I loved. I would have outline shared mealtimes, shopping trips, nights snuggled close to the one I loved, and long heart-to-heart talks on a regular basis. I would have considered each of those things to be more than just something I wanted, but instead something that I needed.

Guess what? Today I face what was then an unexpected reality. Yes, I am married to a wonderful, godly man who I count myself blessed to share life with, but many of those things I "needed," God has taught me I do not.

One of the realities of life as a Law Enforcement Officer's wife is that I am almost daily challenged to let go of that which I think I need and trust God to supply that which He knows I need. Yes, it can be hard to eat most of my meals alone, to go to bed regularly without my husband, and to not be able to talk through circumstances that seem so important on my own time table, but I have been learning that in the moments of lonely, in the moments of downright hard, He can be enough. He can supply for all my need according to His riches in glory by His Son Jesus Christ. He is always faithful.

My dreams for my future have not turn out as I planned that they would, but I can honestly say that I am thankful for each of the challenges God has used so far to begin teaching me the difference between wants and needs, to teach me a deeper reliance upon Him, and to show me in great and small ways that He is faithful to supply all of our needs.

I do not know what challenges the future may hold, but I imagine there will likely be greater challenges than the ones I have met so far and I am grateful for each of these small "growing pains" that are preparing me to trust that no matter what realities the future may hold, God knows just what I need and He will supply for all of my needs...even when my deepest wants and desires are left in shatters by the wayside.


To all my young friends out there who are yet looking ahead towards their hoped for future marriage, holding all your specific "needs" before the Lord. I would challenge you to let your grip go slack and truly trust the God you serve to supply all you need...even if it means a future that doesn't look like that which you have envisioned. Trust Him to be enough. No matter what. 

Trust in Tragedy

The past few days the news has been filled with accounts of police involved shootings, with police on both sides of the gun. My heart aches for the losses of life, for those who have lost loved ones, and over the fact that such happenings seem to be becoming more common place in our country. There are plenty of opinions out there as to what should be done, who was right and who was wrong. I will not join their ranks here. Instead I wanted to focus a little bit on what has gone through my mind upon hearing the recent news in the light of my husband being in Law Enforcement.

My husband was actually the one who first alerted me to what was happening, sending me a link to a news story about the Dallas Texas shooting early in the morning from work. In his words I could sense the weight he was carrying as he thought of the lives lost and the effect this shooting was having all across our country. That helplessness that settles over him each time there is a shooting (involving anyone). That desire to protect life and serve justice. Those very emotions that help pull him out of bed early each morning (or late each afternoon) to go face another day of uncertainty as he seeks to serve the public.

As I read the account my heart was saddened, as I mentioned previously, and those thoughts that so often cross the mind of law enforcement family members at such news winged their way through my mind once again. "What if it had been George? What if he had not come home yesterday? What if he had been the target? What if I was now a widow?"

How easy it is for fear to begin to creep into our hearts and minds as we think about sending our loved one off to work, never knowing what they will encounter or whether they will return as they left, or return at all. Yet, as quick as fears tried to take a hold I was reminded that even in tragic situations God is still God. He is still on His throne and He still holds our lives in His hands.

Yes, it could have been George. I could have become a widow. I may still become a widow some day. That thought hurts deeper than I can even begin to express in words, but at the same time I know that one day we all will die. Only God knows when, where and how. Whether it be from "natural causes" or at the end of a gun, when that time comes He will provide grace for those who are hurting. What would I gain by playing that "what if" game today except pain and a loss of joy in this moment?

Today I ache for those who have lost, my heart goes out to them, but at the same time I am thankful. Thankful for one more moment as George's wife. Thankful for one more opportunity to tell him I love him. Thankful that we serve a God who holds our lives in His hands and will not allow harm to come to us outside of His purposes. And when and if someday tragedy strikes our family, He will be the same God who loves us today and will still be worthy of our trust and praise. He will not change. Even though we will. He is steadfast forever. What a comfort!

Have I ever become fearful and begged my husband to find a new line of work? No. Because I know that God has called George to where he is. And since I know that God has called George into Law Enforcement I cannot but encourage him on the journey and trust him into God's care. One of the things I loved first about my husband was his steadfastness to follow the Lord wherever He called, even if it meant standing up for what was right at the possible cost of his own life. His willingness to say "yes" to the Lord and not give in to the fears of what man could/can do to him will always, always be something I will encourage, because above all I want to be married to a man who puts the Lord first. For him to be disobedient to God would be worse than bodily death. May he (and I) always fear the Lord more than we fear men and may we always put Him first in every area of life. This is my prayer.

Choices and Priorities

Today I was faced with a difficult choice. One I struggled not to second guess myself on more than once. While at church I was reminded of a graduation party this afternoon for a young man from church and was asked if I planned to come. I had completely forgotten the party was today, and while I knew I would enjoy additional fellowship if I went, I was not willing to make a quick decision without thinking through how it might effect my husband, who was at home sleeping after a night shift.

When I said I was not sure I could come because I needed to pack my husband's lunch (the first thing that came to mind), I was encouraged to go home, pack it quickly and then come on to the party. I left not fully committing one way or the other, but continuing to think through the wisdom of going or not going.

Part of me really wanted to go, because the idea of spending an afternoon with friends sounded both fun and relaxing. Besides I guessed that if I did not show up at least one person would wonder why I was not there, and likely would come to a wrong conclusion when I did not show up. Perhaps she would think that I was being unsociable, overly concerned about my husband, or some other scenario I had not even thought of, but most likely that person would not guess the whole truth. Yet, on the other hand, I was not sure I should go because in the last two days I had spent a maximum of three waking hours with my husband (and about an equal amount of sleeping hours...yes I count those as special too!). Those waking hours included his stages of waking up (where he does not say or hear much), sitting with him as he ate hurried breakfasts before heading out the door to work, and praying with him one morning before he crashed into bed after an especially challenging night at work. Not exactly quality time, but still time important to us in staying connected as a couple.

I decided that not seeing him awake at all today (unless you count when I peaked at him as he crawled into bed this morning before I rolled over and went back to sleep) did not sound appealing to me, or healthy for our relationship. Besides, I knew he had set his alarm so he could get the most sleep possible (he got to bed late because he unloaded and hooked up my new stove, sweet husband) and would be counting on me to get his breakfast while he showered and shaved so that he could still have a filling breakfast and get out the door on time. In other words, he sacrificed sleep to make sure I had a working stove, so the least I could do was make sure he had a substantial breakfast before he headed off for another busy night at work. Right?

Yet, even with those reasons in mind, I still wavered a bit about what I should do because I have had to pass up on several things this night shift so that I could not only spend time with my husband, but also show him love by fixing his breakfasts in the evenings and packing his lunches for work. I did not feel bad about saying no for my sake because I love spending time with my husband and spending time finding ways to show him how much I love him. No, I felt bad because I knew that people often do not understand why I say no to different events and are apt to misjudge me and my husband for the choices we make that may seem selfish or foolish from their outside, partial perspective.

In the end however, the joy of waking my husband up with a back rub when he did not hear his alarm at first and seeing his smile when I gave him his good morning kiss, and another smile as I set his breakfast before him, and another as he kissed me goodbye and headed out the door encouraged for another shift of duty made me know that I had made the right choice. No matter what anyone else thought. I was where I was supposed to be, by my husbands side supporting him all the way.

The moral of my tale. One, do not make assumptions until you know the facts. Law Enforcement life and night shifts are no joke and require sacrifices and creative living to keep family relationships strong and thriving. Two, think about your own priorities and make choices that are best for your family, no matter what others on the outside might think. In the end you will be glad you did. :)

~ Gracie