I Still Eat Alone

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19).

"All your need."

How often have you named something a "need" that in reality was merely a want? I clearly remember many times as single young woman looking ahead to one day marrying and dreaming of the day when I would no longer do certain things alone. I would have said that I "needed" a husband to share life with. I would have expressed my loneliness and my desire to support and encourage a husband. I would have drawn a picture of what I thought I needed and it would have included sharing even the most mundane tasks of life with the man I loved. I would have outline shared mealtimes, shopping trips, nights snuggled close to the one I loved, and long heart-to-heart talks on a regular basis. I would have considered each of those things to be more than just something I wanted, but instead something that I needed.

Guess what? Today I face what was then an unexpected reality. Yes, I am married to a wonderful, godly man who I count myself blessed to share life with, but many of those things I "needed," God has taught me I do not.

One of the realities of life as a Law Enforcement Officer's wife is that I am almost daily challenged to let go of that which I think I need and trust God to supply that which He knows I need. Yes, it can be hard to eat most of my meals alone, to go to bed regularly without my husband, and to not be able to talk through circumstances that seem so important on my own time table, but I have been learning that in the moments of lonely, in the moments of downright hard, He can be enough. He can supply for all my need according to His riches in glory by His Son Jesus Christ. He is always faithful.

My dreams for my future have not turn out as I planned that they would, but I can honestly say that I am thankful for each of the challenges God has used so far to begin teaching me the difference between wants and needs, to teach me a deeper reliance upon Him, and to show me in great and small ways that He is faithful to supply all of our needs.

I do not know what challenges the future may hold, but I imagine there will likely be greater challenges than the ones I have met so far and I am grateful for each of these small "growing pains" that are preparing me to trust that no matter what realities the future may hold, God knows just what I need and He will supply for all of my needs...even when my deepest wants and desires are left in shatters by the wayside.


To all my young friends out there who are yet looking ahead towards their hoped for future marriage, holding all your specific "needs" before the Lord. I would challenge you to let your grip go slack and truly trust the God you serve to supply all you need...even if it means a future that doesn't look like that which you have envisioned. Trust Him to be enough. No matter what. 

Trust in Tragedy

The past few days the news has been filled with accounts of police involved shootings, with police on both sides of the gun. My heart aches for the losses of life, for those who have lost loved ones, and over the fact that such happenings seem to be becoming more common place in our country. There are plenty of opinions out there as to what should be done, who was right and who was wrong. I will not join their ranks here. Instead I wanted to focus a little bit on what has gone through my mind upon hearing the recent news in the light of my husband being in Law Enforcement.

My husband was actually the one who first alerted me to what was happening, sending me a link to a news story about the Dallas Texas shooting early in the morning from work. In his words I could sense the weight he was carrying as he thought of the lives lost and the effect this shooting was having all across our country. That helplessness that settles over him each time there is a shooting (involving anyone). That desire to protect life and serve justice. Those very emotions that help pull him out of bed early each morning (or late each afternoon) to go face another day of uncertainty as he seeks to serve the public.

As I read the account my heart was saddened, as I mentioned previously, and those thoughts that so often cross the mind of law enforcement family members at such news winged their way through my mind once again. "What if it had been George? What if he had not come home yesterday? What if he had been the target? What if I was now a widow?"

How easy it is for fear to begin to creep into our hearts and minds as we think about sending our loved one off to work, never knowing what they will encounter or whether they will return as they left, or return at all. Yet, as quick as fears tried to take a hold I was reminded that even in tragic situations God is still God. He is still on His throne and He still holds our lives in His hands.

Yes, it could have been George. I could have become a widow. I may still become a widow some day. That thought hurts deeper than I can even begin to express in words, but at the same time I know that one day we all will die. Only God knows when, where and how. Whether it be from "natural causes" or at the end of a gun, when that time comes He will provide grace for those who are hurting. What would I gain by playing that "what if" game today except pain and a loss of joy in this moment?

Today I ache for those who have lost, my heart goes out to them, but at the same time I am thankful. Thankful for one more moment as George's wife. Thankful for one more opportunity to tell him I love him. Thankful that we serve a God who holds our lives in His hands and will not allow harm to come to us outside of His purposes. And when and if someday tragedy strikes our family, He will be the same God who loves us today and will still be worthy of our trust and praise. He will not change. Even though we will. He is steadfast forever. What a comfort!

Have I ever become fearful and begged my husband to find a new line of work? No. Because I know that God has called George to where he is. And since I know that God has called George into Law Enforcement I cannot but encourage him on the journey and trust him into God's care. One of the things I loved first about my husband was his steadfastness to follow the Lord wherever He called, even if it meant standing up for what was right at the possible cost of his own life. His willingness to say "yes" to the Lord and not give in to the fears of what man could/can do to him will always, always be something I will encourage, because above all I want to be married to a man who puts the Lord first. For him to be disobedient to God would be worse than bodily death. May he (and I) always fear the Lord more than we fear men and may we always put Him first in every area of life. This is my prayer.