Trust in Tragedy

The past few days the news has been filled with accounts of police involved shootings, with police on both sides of the gun. My heart aches for the losses of life, for those who have lost loved ones, and over the fact that such happenings seem to be becoming more common place in our country. There are plenty of opinions out there as to what should be done, who was right and who was wrong. I will not join their ranks here. Instead I wanted to focus a little bit on what has gone through my mind upon hearing the recent news in the light of my husband being in Law Enforcement.

My husband was actually the one who first alerted me to what was happening, sending me a link to a news story about the Dallas Texas shooting early in the morning from work. In his words I could sense the weight he was carrying as he thought of the lives lost and the effect this shooting was having all across our country. That helplessness that settles over him each time there is a shooting (involving anyone). That desire to protect life and serve justice. Those very emotions that help pull him out of bed early each morning (or late each afternoon) to go face another day of uncertainty as he seeks to serve the public.

As I read the account my heart was saddened, as I mentioned previously, and those thoughts that so often cross the mind of law enforcement family members at such news winged their way through my mind once again. "What if it had been George? What if he had not come home yesterday? What if he had been the target? What if I was now a widow?"

How easy it is for fear to begin to creep into our hearts and minds as we think about sending our loved one off to work, never knowing what they will encounter or whether they will return as they left, or return at all. Yet, as quick as fears tried to take a hold I was reminded that even in tragic situations God is still God. He is still on His throne and He still holds our lives in His hands.

Yes, it could have been George. I could have become a widow. I may still become a widow some day. That thought hurts deeper than I can even begin to express in words, but at the same time I know that one day we all will die. Only God knows when, where and how. Whether it be from "natural causes" or at the end of a gun, when that time comes He will provide grace for those who are hurting. What would I gain by playing that "what if" game today except pain and a loss of joy in this moment?

Today I ache for those who have lost, my heart goes out to them, but at the same time I am thankful. Thankful for one more moment as George's wife. Thankful for one more opportunity to tell him I love him. Thankful that we serve a God who holds our lives in His hands and will not allow harm to come to us outside of His purposes. And when and if someday tragedy strikes our family, He will be the same God who loves us today and will still be worthy of our trust and praise. He will not change. Even though we will. He is steadfast forever. What a comfort!

Have I ever become fearful and begged my husband to find a new line of work? No. Because I know that God has called George to where he is. And since I know that God has called George into Law Enforcement I cannot but encourage him on the journey and trust him into God's care. One of the things I loved first about my husband was his steadfastness to follow the Lord wherever He called, even if it meant standing up for what was right at the possible cost of his own life. His willingness to say "yes" to the Lord and not give in to the fears of what man could/can do to him will always, always be something I will encourage, because above all I want to be married to a man who puts the Lord first. For him to be disobedient to God would be worse than bodily death. May he (and I) always fear the Lord more than we fear men and may we always put Him first in every area of life. This is my prayer.

There Are Fly Guts on the Chair

Written November 9, 2015

Though this post is older than the blog, I still wanted to share it with you all because
God used a fly splatter in a very unique way to help me reflect on what loving really
should look like in the middle of the chaos of life. 

There are times when small, seemingly insignificant things make you stop and think. Tonight it was, of all things, fly guts on a chair. As winter hangs in the offings, flies have become more pesky as they seem to know their time is limited and they are determined to have one last hurrah before cold weather flies (no pun intended). As I attempted to clear the house of these overly friendly insects, I might have gotten a little too zealous and thus the bug juices on the back of one of our dinning room chairs. As I wiped away the remains, I stopped for a moment and I knew that I would write.

What was it about the messy smear that caught my attention? Perhaps it was that here was yet another mess to clean up. You see, only weeks into married life can mean a less than tidy habitation. Boxes, packing materials, items in strange places, and daily treasure hunts. Are you getting the idea? Yes, as much as I do not want to admit it, our new home is in shambles. Still. My sweet husband tells me to be patient, but my internal organizer is screaming daily due to the disorder all around. I want to take control of the mess, clean it up and have everything put in it's own place. I want things to be neat and welcoming, and since they are not, I am struggling with feelings of failure and guilt in my new role as wife and housekeeper. 

The other day I broke down in tears and shared with my husband how hard it was to know what needed to be done but to not have the time and/or energy to get it all done. I shared how I was struggling with doubt at my abilities to be a good wife. He hugged me close and begin to whisper assurances that I was a good wife, that I was doing well in my new role, and that I needed to be patient with myself in this new season full of new things to learn and new responsibilities to manage. He encouraged me to keep seeking the Lord above all else and trust Him to teach me in my new role and then my sweetheart prayed such a sweet prayer for me. I went to bed with a lighter heart praying that I could keep my eyes firmly on the Lord the next day. 

Enter today and the fly guts on the chair. We are on nights right now, and while my husband was sleeping I was working hard to prepare food for the next several busy days/nights. After the cooking was finished, I had other various cleaning chores on my list of things to accomplish as well as a quick run to town to do some errands. I looked at the clock as I hurried out the door. It was already nearly three. When I arrived back home it was after three and I knew my husband would be up in a few short hours to get ready for work and I had not even gotten his lunch packed. 

I looked at the remaining tasks on my to-do list and then at the mountain of dishes piled in the sink. How would I get everything done? In the midst of feeling just a wee bit overwhelmed, my phone vibrated. I picked it up to see a text from my husband saying that he had been struggling to sleep the last several hours. I looked around at all the mess again, and then made a decision that was, quite frankly, hard in some ways. I went and crawled in bed next to my husband and snuggled down for a nap. 

You see, even while I was struggling to rejoice in the midst of the chaos and mess, I realized in that moment that being a good wife was more than keeping a "perfect" house, or having gourmet meals everyday. Being a good wife more importantly meant following that greatest command to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, strength and mind, and to love my neighbor/others as myself (Luke 10:27). While that did not diminish the importance of my other responsibilities, it reminded me of a couple of truths. One, I needed to keep God first for it is only in Him that we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28). Second, I needed to remember that my identity is not in how I performed my tasks and duties as a housekeeper. It is in Jesus Christ my Lord. And lastly, I needed to remember that people and relationships are more important than a perfectly kept house and flawless meals. Being a good wife, or sister, or friend, for that matter, often means letting go of our ideas of perfection and loving others through momentarily dying to our goals and ambitions. Not because our goals and ambitions are bad, but because truly loving and caring for others cannot be done on a schedule. 

Did I get the to-dos done? The mountain of dishes washed? Yes, I did. Not in my timing...but I pray in His. May I ever become more sensitive to His leading, to dying to self, and to spontaneously loving those whom He puts in my path and meeting their needs in such a way as to reflect His love into their lives and all with the greatest of joy!